Hi, these are my comments on my friend's descriptive paragraph (Jayjelly, not her real name)

- Good attempt of explaining the school recess atmosphere from a  student point of view. It is realistic, imaginable and lively as you described everything that goes on a student's mind once the recess bell rang.

- Simple vocabulary and drives reader to know on what happen next in the story.

- Correcting tenses and restructuring the sentences may make it to be read better as there is a little confusion here and there in the paragraph.

- Perhaps, punctuation can be adjusted to help the flow of the story.

- Dialogues are a little distracting and it is kind of limiting your description. However, the positioning of the dialogues can be revised to allow space for your description as you have good ideas.