Hi, these are my comments on my friend's descriptive paragraph (Jayjelly, not her real name)

- Good attempt of explaining the school recess atmosphere from a  student point of view. It is realistic, imaginable and lively as you described everything that goes on a student's mind once the recess bell rang.

- Simple vocabulary and drives reader to know on what happen next in the story.

- Correcting tenses and restructuring the sentences may make it to be read better as there is a little confusion here and there in the paragraph.

- Perhaps, punctuation can be adjusted to help the flow of the story.

- Dialogues are a little distracting and it is kind of limiting your description. However, the positioning of the dialogues can be revised to allow space for your description as you have good ideas.

workshop

The screaming voice of my mother struck like a thunder in my ears. I knew that my father was back. Upon hearing her scream, I quickly dropped my pencil and left my mathematics sum unfinished to open my room door. Here, from the half opened door, I saw my drunken father beating my mom simultaneously with his belt. Wonder what bothered him today as he will start losing his temper over the most simplest thing such as delay in lunch. I was helpless for what I was witnessing right in front of my eyes. My sister who was standing by my side hugged me firmly and I manage to comfort her in my arms. However, I could not do anything to stop him as he is too strong. Tears role down my cheek and my heart was pounding fast for every single whip that rested on my mother's flesh. I wish I had those muscles and strength of his to fight back. For God sake, I felt my home like a cadaver laboratory as we represent the dead human bodies waiting to be experimented for having to go through this miserable moment every now and then.

 (C)Sharlini.M.2011. All copyrights reserved.

“I never want to see you again!” she said raising her voice to the man standing in front of the door. It is the salesman who wants to get his Punjabi suites sold. He comes every two weeks to promote his new arrivals and persuading them to buy. Taken back with her words, the man said, “I’m sorry to bother you madam but I have some new Punjabi suite that might interest you. Would you mind giving me some time and I promise this would be the last you would see me around”. Hearing upon this, she grew  intolerant and said, “ I’ve had enough of this reason. It would be better if you could find someone who will interested in it. Thank you!,” as she slams the door hardly without allowing him to react. 

(C)Sharlini.M.2011. All copyrights reserved. 

Setting Attributes

I lived in a village called the Pandan Village that is near to the famous the famous Pandan River that runs from the nearest rainforest which is situated ten miles away from my village. It was founded by Pak Pandan during my great grandfather’s lifetime and in conjunction to this, the river and the forest was named after him. It takes about 20 minutes walk from my house to the main road in order to get a bus to go to school which is about four miles in the city.

(C)Sharlini.M.2011. All copyrights reserved.

Character Attributes

My parents, Martin, a businessman and Seethamal married at very young age. My mother was only nineteen and my father was 28 when they got married. She got married upon my grandpa’s wish to witness his daughter’s marriage before his last breath as he survived from the second heart attack. Obeying to her father’s wish, she agreed for the marriage. Prior to this, Martin, a Christian by religion, who was eyeing on my mother came to the house for marriage proposal. Looking at his best behaviours and a good job, my grandpa got convinced and got him married to my mother. Few months after the marriage, my grandpa past away when he had his third attack. After a year of their marriage, I was born. Things began to change. My father was no longer the person he was during their marriage. I was five when his words made sense to me. There was one day, he came in a very dreadful manner and heavily drunken. Then, he shouted at my mother, “I’ve lost my job because of the jinx that you borne! My life was much better without you two!” as he slapped my mother. Deep in my heart, I corrected him, it was not two but three as my mother was pregnant with my brother.  His torture has been going on everyday and his bad temper worsens day by day. Then, one day he went out early in the morning as usual but never came back home. My little brother was 5 years when that happened, leaving the burden to raise two children all by herself.

(C)Sharlini.M.2011. All copyrights reserved.

Poem In 30 minutes

Be a lens of a telescope

That shows the highway to the sky

Feel the journey like a rhythm

Dance your way to the ballroom

You will never regret your steps

Cause the freedom has taken control of you.

(C)Sharlini.M.2011. All copyrights reserved.

Broken Into Pieces

The Dessert is barren and dry

A conducive home for an animal that glides

My heart is pounding slower than ever

Cause I never allow it on its’ way

A conducive home for an animal that glides

Never an escaping window for me

My heart is pounding slower than ever

Forbidding me to feel the circle of norm

                                                               

Never an escaping window for me

The poison stringed from your words

Forbidding me to feel the circle of norm

Never will I yield my life back

(C) Sharlini.M.2011. All copyrights reserved.